Minus My Plus One
Photo: Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash
Minus My Plus One
November 15th, 2010
Thirty-one days ago, I was in love. Just shy of two and a half years together, I was expecting something shiny in time for the holidays. I imagined smiling for our third Christmas card photo together with my pretty princess cut diamond for all to see. My opening paragraph had already been scripted in my head. Happy Holidays my loves! The 2010 year brought big changes for me – I'm engaged to the love of my life!! I would bounce into our family reunions with a big smile on my face and thrust out my left hand, like newly engaged girls tend to do. I couldn't wait for the holidays this year.
Thirty-one days ago, I was snuggling into my spot that night, like most nights, with the man who'd had my heart for over three years. I was exchanging a trio of goodnight kisses before nestling into his warm skin as I drifted off to sleep. I was planning what colors we'd paint the walls when I moved in and we made his place ours.
Thirty-one days ago, life was pretty set, and the future looked promising when I thought about the big picture. My boyfriend was not only handsome, he was downright beautiful. We took great pictures together. Seems like a silly thing to notice, but thirty-one days ago, I couldn't help but smile as I looked at those photos of our synchronized smiles in the framed memories that covered our rooms. The images of us celebrating birthdays, holidays, camping, boating – they are permanently burned into my mind. As his parents once put it, we were a “handsome couple.” But more importantly, he was beautiful on the inside too. Trust me, I had my doubts. In fact, I was pretty certain upon first laying eyes on him, that he was a tool. Because most dashingly handsome guys are. Because they can be.
But this guy was different. He had a great heart and was genuine and humble. And after a 6-month preliminary dating period to be explained at a later date, he became mine. We met each other’s parents, and then each other's families. We took trips and went out with other couples, and slowly blended our separate lives together. His family joined mine for Thanksgiving, and I celebrated my first Christmas away from my family with him and his. I gave away a lot of firsts as you do in a serious relationship, because in my eyes, he deserved them. First boy I unofficially moved in with, first boy I introduced to my entire family, first time I met a boy's entire family, grandparents, siblings, and sister in law to boot. First time I had a group of friends with a boy that felt like 'our' friends. First time I really really fell in love, and I fell in love with a man who deserved those moments and deserved me.
We had looked at rings less than 6 months earlier, for our two-year anniversary. We'd talked about the future. We planned to get married in the fall of 2011. I was contemplating dates, colors and bridesmaids as I waited for him to propose. My mind tried to imagine all the different ways he might ask me to be his wife, and what he'd say when he was down on one knee. I imagined when I get to call him my fiancé, after calling him my boyfriend for 867 days. We'd look for a house and have two or three kids. I wanted a dog and was pretty sure I could talk him into it in the next three to five years.
I loved thinking about the future, because I'd found my permanent plus one. The one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, make babies with, relocate with, travel with, retire with – you know, the typical 'til death do we part' type stuff you look forward to as a woman your whole life.
Thirty-one days ago, my parents loved the man they were anxiously waiting to ask for my hand in marriage. Thirty-one days ago I couldn't imagine gaining two better people to be my mother and father in law. Thirty-one days ago, my life was pretty great, and was on the brim of getting even better. Everything I dreamed about and prayed for was within my grasp.
Until thirty days ago.
Because on October 15th, we went on a break. In the end, you could define it as mutual, but it was me who initiated it in the beginning. And overnight, my life unraveled until I barely recognized it. I spent that night in a bed that felt too big to contain only myself. I tossed and turned and cried on and off as my mind refused to stop analyzing every day of the last three years of my life. And as I cried my way through the next two weeks, I realized a horrific fact that had been quietly looming in the back of my mind for the past year.
He wasn't coming after me.
And just like that, a whole new world began for me. A place I hadn't been a part of for a long time. I demographic I didn't think I'd ever have to be a part of again. A land in which I was no longer familiar.
Life ... minus my plus one.
So here I am, my story not ending with a happily ever after, but instead, starting at a whole new beginning.