Beautiful Choices

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

My friend recently shared a comment she’d overheard her mother say to her pregnant younger sister. Like me, my friend is in her early 40s; unmarried and childfree, but she is eagerly awaiting the arrival of her first niece or nephew, while I have experienced my siblings becoming parents for the last two decades.

It was a quiet moment between her mother and her sister, but she still heard the words her mother whispered as they sat together.

“It’s the best thing you can ever do.”

While the words were meant for love for one child, they sent daggers into the heart of the other.

I broke for her, and that overly-familiar feeling of shame washed over me. Of not being enough. Of being selfish. Of being less than, a main character in a story of someone living a less beautiful life than those who choose to be parents.

I felt heartbreak for my friend in understanding how hard it is to hear those words from a loved one when your arms remain empty. Of trying so hard and feeling like you will never quite measure up if you remain standing alone. The grief we carry in thinking of the lives we expected but have yet to experience. The feeling that you are off-script and not doing it “right” compared to the majority of those around you.

And lately, as I’ve entered my 40s, there’s the added confusion of if that’s really what I still want anymore, but knowing I want to make the choice – not have it made for me as a metaphorical clock runs out.

I read a statistic once that 85% of women 40-45 years-old have experienced motherhood. I think about this statistic often. I imagine myself in a room of 100 women, looking around to find the other 14 who would make me feel normal. Who might share a similar lifestyle or have some understanding of the life I lead. Who wouldn’t make me feel like I missing out or unwanted or had failed in some way.

I often wonder what it would look like if the room were reversed – if 85 women were all sharing stories of their travels, or how they’ve decorated their home to fit their personality to perfection – buying the white and black striped rug they’d always wanted but their partner had loathed. How they relax with a glass of wine with candles lit at the end of the day or have time for dinner with friends as they please or treat their dog like their child because it brings them a childlike joy – a taste of a life not yet lived.

It’s not to say that one is better than the other, and yet childfree women are told time and time again the wonderment of the path they’ve not traveled yet. Because how do you drown out 85 voices telling similar stories to the few among you living a different truth? While their experiences may be different and certainly challenging at times, how often do we hear the comments from parents about how they couldn’t imagine their life without their kids? About how being a parent made them really understand what matters in life? How life didn’t start until they had kids? It’s not joy for everyone, but in that room I imagine the voices of those loving motherhood and how it’s the only life they could imagine far outnumbers those yet to experience it. 

I shared the overhead conversation with my own mom, who naturally sided with the mother and mother-to-be.

“Oh honey, she just meant how wonderful having children is! She didn’t mean any harm!”

The world seems to have an idea of how everyone should be. And it’s hard to ignore the opinions so many try to pass off as facts.

Because when it comes to cold-hard truth, Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo’s research indicates that single, childfree women can be just as happy and satisfied with their lives as their coupled counterparts. And in some cases, even happier, healthier, and wealthier.

(Note the initial use of childfree, not childless).

For my friend who had to swallow those words that broke your heart – I’m so very sorry. While I understand the intention of those words was to be supportive of your sister, they came at the cost of hurt to you.

To the amazing women who read this blog – you are more than any status tied to your identity. We are more.  Our lives and the paths we are on are all beautiful in their own ways. Each of us can be a rockstar at work, a stay-at-home mom, in transition, or just working 9-5 to pay the bills. We may have countless friends or a treasured few. We can be in a season of growth and discomfort, or one where the stars are aligned and, for a moment, things all seem to be in place.

Nothing good or bad is lasting or permanent. Life ebbs and flows and we take turns being on top or picking ourselves back up. It’s the complexity of being human and reacting to a million things we can’t control. As they say – everyone is fighting a battle – and we are foolish to believe we have any understanding of what’s truly going on behind closed doors.

I will always be a voice for the single. For the childfree. For those on a path different from the rest. Regardless if my left hand picks up hardware, or my last name changes, or I become a mother one day – my heart will never forget what it was like to spend my 20s and 30s on my own. Many will read that and want to extend sympathy – but I promise you – I wouldn’t trade the last 20 years for anything – not even a partner and children. Those years have made me who I am – and I love the woman I have become standing on my own two feet.

I believe marriage can be beautiful and rewarding – but it takes finding the right person who is compatible with how you want to live life. I think too many don’t realize how hard it is to navigate a life of compromise. Or they are scared to be alone because the journey is challenging until you really figure out how to love who you are. I wonder if romantic love wasn’t so rewarded, maybe we’d slow down, take our time, prioritize self-love and really learn what makes us happy.

In my experience, some of my most lonely and painful nights were with someone in my bed. Someone I loved but no longer understood. Someone who made promises they were no longer able to keep. The loneliness of not being able to reach someone I love has far outweighed the majority of any nights alone in my bed.

But that’s just my experience. It’s my truth.

So, here’s to choices. To deciding who, and when, and why and if. To maybe, just maybe, deciding the who is you. And knowing that if that changes or stays the same to your very last breath, there is so much beauty in each of those choices.