Friends without Benefits
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
It was the first date you always hope for. I usually am prepared to have a quick drink, not be interested, and be out the door as quickly as I walked through it in an hour max. I often joke that my scale ranges from 1 to was-it-worth-putting-on-pants-for.
And it rarely was.
More often than not, I returned to my apartment wishing I’d never left and had stayed nestled on my couch in my undies watching my spirit animal Leslie Knope organize her way into hearts across Pawnee, Indiana.
But when I sat down across from the man even I was surprised I had swiped on, I found myself enjoying the conversation and wanting to know more about him. One drink became two, and we both blew off our “save me “plans we had scheduled and ended up grabbing sushi after.
The conversation was easy; natural. We talked travel, religion, and everything in between. Our life goals were different, but his energy was contagious. He was vibrant and well-spoken, with a big goofy smile I found completely adorable.
He wasn’t my typical type and yet looking back, he was. Dark hair, classically good looking, and a little on the short side with a body that would line up nicely with mine, I remembered thinking. (Look away Mom!)
Our “quick drink” lasted more than three hours and he offered to drive me back to my apartment, dropping me off with a hug. The date I’d anticipated to last less than an hour left me hoping for a second.
Not long after, he invited me to a movie, and the second date was as enjoyable as the first. He offered me his arm in the movie, and despite being a bit awkward to link arms in the dark of the theater seated next to him, I liked the thought of my arm in his. We parted ways the same way we did on our first date, with a hug and a smile.
I remember thinking he must be shy and liking that I knew how much I wanted to kiss him after we didn’t a second time.
We continued to date for a handful or weeks, and I was smitten with him. It felt good. Coming off a messy breakup, I felt relieved to feel attraction and connection to someone else. Someone with similar passions and motivation. It seemed to be only more of the validation I craved reinforcing I had done the right thing by ending things with my ex.
And while it was a healthy step forward initially, from date one I knew big things were out of place again. He didn’t desire to get married, or have kids, for starters - things I had dreamt of and prayed for since I was a teenager. While normally I would have been quick to exit, I was intrigued by his intellect and how he moved through life. I liked his answers to his book of questions we’d leaf through on Saturday mornings over tea and coffee. I wanted to keep seeing the world through his eyes a bit longer.
Our courtship was brief and a he ultimately shared his desire to only be friends.
I was crushed.
Logically it made sense, but I wanted to stay in the world of dating a human like him a bit longer.
While I had been friend-zoned a fair number of times in the past, what was interesting about this case was his earnest desire to truly be great friends. After a false step or two on my part, admittedly, of trying to hold on to intimacy with him a bit longer, we fell into a place of being true, genuine friends.
And this human became a truly great friend to me. Reaching out, making plans, bursting with excitement and his huge smile when he saw me, or when friends got together. He had a way of making me feel special even if it wasn’t in the way that I had wanted.
Yet as much as I loved having him in my life in any capacity, when he began dating other girls and insisting on having them meet me, I had to put my own oxygen mask on first. I had to respect my boundaries and what was healthy for me.
I have fallen in love deeply with two men in my life. And with both, they quickly moved on and fell in love with the next girls they each dated before I stumbled through a first date again.
This sensitivity of my past made me less than eager to see who had replaced me this time around. Who blew him away (his words) in ways that I did not.
It was complicated because I want to be a good friend, but I think sometimes we’re so busy trying to be something bigger and better for someone else that we don’t stop and realize how much we’re hurting ourselves in the process.
“I think sometimes we’re so busy trying to be something bigger and better for someone else that we don’t stop and realize how much were hurting ourselves in the process.”
Gradually, despite his efforts, our friendship faded. And while I did want his friendship, I’ve gotten to the point where creating relationships and friendships that are healthy for me is a bigger priority.
There are times I wonder if I was weak or selfish to not continue a friendship. Other times I think it was a decision seeped in growth and wisdom.
But eventually, I let go of those adjectives and settle on a different word.
At the end of the day, I think it’s all just part of being human.
“If I’m just somebody that you’re gonna leave
And you don’t feel something when you look at me
You’re holdin’ my heart, mmm, watcha say?
Just let me down slowly, I’ll be okay.
If you’re just some habit that I gotta break
I can clear my system in 90 days
You’re holding my heart, mmm whatcha say
Just let me down slowly.”