Give and Take
Photo by Kinga Howard on Unsplash
Over the last 15 years, I have watched give and take all around me in countless ways. I’ve celebrated friends falling in love and with spouses who gave them new last names that quickly appeared on their updated Instagram handles. I’ve changed my contacts as some were given a new address to a house that would become their home. I’ve witnessed wives giving their bodies to bear children, knowing it will likely never look the same. Others have been given joint experiences, lasting love, and shared anniversaries and birthdays.
Yet, at the same time, the romantic relationships that I’ve encountered have seemed to mostly take. They’ve taken time, energy, happiness, hope, and sometimes the brightness from my soul.
But then last fall, I met a man who I thought might change not only my last name but my entire future. There were moments of pure joy and laughter. There was so much beauty I’d forgotten about when coexisting with another. Feeling seen, supported, loved, and connected. A daily witness to show up for the good times and the hard ones when they eventually came. As we learned and grew together for the first few months, that relationship gave me so much. It filled my heart and soothed a longing I could never fully quiet.
He was eager to blend into my life, and I was happy to make space. I liked him showing up on my doorstep at the end of the work day. I appreciated his consistency, open communication, the lack of games, and the full transparency. We were both in the last months of our 30s and seeking marriage and, hopefully, a family. And with those dreams came the reality that time was working against us.
It had taken me years to truly love and understand myself, and yet I felt this pressure to decide if I could spend the rest of my life with him only a short time. Maybe it was that pressure, maybe it was bad timing, or maybe it just was never the right fit. But despite carefully building a strong foundation, cracks began to form beneath us. As time passed, we worked to repair them, only to feel them multiply as the months passed. The beautiful moments gave way to more and more challenging ones, and I found myself faced with hard questions I hadn’t encountered in half a decade.
If I had 80% of what I always wanted, was that enough? Would I regret not holding out for more? Would time and understanding close the gap or only widen it?
Where was the line between compromise that is necessary and compromise that is too much?
Do I overestimate what love is capable of? Does it truly conquer all, or does communication and capability play a bigger role than I’ve realize? When one is established and one is searching, how critical is timing? When one needs stillness and the other stimulation, how do I meet them halfway without giving up what my soul needs to thrive? If one needs more and the other less, how do I find common ground and stay true to who I am?
What was settling, and what was selfish?
How do I know what expectations I let go of? After years of being alone, of leaning into being a “strong, independent female” am I a hypocrite when I admit maybe it would be nice for someone to take care of me for a bit? To not have to do it all on my own?
Was something better than nothing and someone better than no one?
Do I give up the dream of my uniquely perfect fit for a chance at having a family? Or do I sacrifice ever experiencing parenthood in hopes of finding someone I can truly grow alongside instead of merely existing?
What if I risk it all and walk away and end up with nothing?
Is it possible we were as happy and simultaneously struggling as so many other couples, but it’s impossible to know when only viewing highlight reels? Because if you love your partner, do you protect them at all costs, never uttering a word when they let you down or fall short or crush you - only sharing their brightest and best moments? Are we all just casting shadows and spinning little white lies so that the reality is so blurred you can only truly trust what is right in front of you?
Was I brave, or was I a fool to believe in something I’ve never actually had?
When I can count so many good things between us, how much weight do I give to the things missing? When there was once so much potential, how do I know when it’s time to let go of the empty promises I realize they will no longer keep?
How do I tell someone they’re not enough when they are more than I’ve ever had?
There is an endless cycle of give and take in relationships and life. Of ups and downs, wins and losses. People can offer different opinions, and they can extend endless advice - but only I can ultimately decide. And I alone bear the consequences of that choice. No one’s reality or experience will ever completely mirror my own - I must turn over the facts in my mind as I try to make peace with letting go or making it work.
In the end, we chose to let go in the hopes of holding on to each other in some small way - before the cracks grew too wide for us to salvage anything between us. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship we hope to maintain is foolish on both our parts to believe in. But it makes today just a little easier, and for that I’m grateful. I still hope for the day I find the person who fits all the complexities that make up who I am, but I’m finding peace in whatever life brings me. I’m learning to trust what is in front of me, even if it never quite lines up with what I’d imagined.
Because when it comes to life, that has always given me so much more than it’s ever taken.