Hibernation

There comes a time when you will end a relationship and an ungodly amount of time will pass until another human catches your eye. For me, if I really loved you (this has happened twice in my life) I will not be able to touch another man for such a long amount of time that multi-story art murals and entire apartment complexes are erected in my neighborhood before I allow a man to come hither hopes of bringing me to some level of delight.

(Side note: Is this a good time to tell men that, generally speaking, second base is the worst base for both genders in my opinion, and after some light teasing, unless you are in the gifted 12% of the population to make magic happens with your fingers, perhaps we just move on? I will fully disclose that my hands/arms get tired after about 28 seconds, so I slow down into this sort of tickle/tease/itsy bitsy spider thing that really is just awkward for both of us. Please, please gently reach for my arm and pull me into a direction that nicely says "you can stop now" and put both of us out of our misery).

In any case, while the pages of the calendar flip (more dramatic) or my iPhone updates to the next month (what really happens) quite slowly, and without me realizing it, she will slowly go to sleep. I call this my "hibernation" which happens when one falls into a dry season. 

Like a bear in a cave for the winter months but with more of a desert and cactus feel, she is content knowing that many moons will pass before she is 'fed' again, and we both make our peace with that. However, in the back of my mind, I know how much I love to 'eat.' I also know that when she is woke, she’s not overly pleasant.

So herein lies the dilemma. I may go on some dates with a gentleman who is pleasant. I may even find him attractive and enjoyable. But I am not quite sure if it's going to go anywhere.

And I must make a choice.

Do I gamble that it will last longer than my usual filler relationship of 3-6 weeks before one or both of us 'find a better connection with someone else' or determine it’s 'not really going anywhere' or worse yet, slowly stop texting until it dies a slow pitiful death where neither of us really know where we stand. (Though admittedly it's better than ghosting, which fortunately happens less the closer I inch toward 40).

Say I've met a nice gentleman and we've gone out a few times and it's inching toward the "will we or won't we" stage after a goodnight kiss becomes a goodnight make out and then you eventually invite them up and it's anyone's guess as to what could happen and how far it will go.

I'm more of a 0-60 girl, either all in and completely captivated, or not at all interested. But I've learned that when I'm all in, it's often because he's a charming douche canoe and I fall quite quickly for charming douche canoes. On the flip side, if he's a charming, normal guy, I've learned having all of my attention is often overwhelming, and that scenario usually fizzles fast as well. I recognize that as the woman, it's my job to say no, as men notoriously will try to put their dicks in just about anything. However, I know how fun that part can be and often am all in as well.

But if I'm too eager, he could get scared. In my experience, men spook like cattle sometimes. And then, after waking her from her slumber for a one hit wonder, he disappears and I find myself craving another fix because … let's be honest. When done right, sex is quite lovely. And a once and done is never all that satisfying.

Being grown adults, we all are well aware that I can feed her myself. It's actually the quickest and most efficient way to keep us both happy. And I know how to get it done.  I've regretted more than one of my past suitors. But never a self-feeding. Especially in comparison to a new, first time suitor. It's often a bit awkward no matter how great the chemistry is the first few times things start escalating. And while his intentions are for good, he may unintentionally end up coming into her cave, knocking on her door, tickling her, doing some Morse code action where I think he's using my vagina to send a message overseas, or maybe even find a good motion to the ocean but never really hit land …and then after some amount of failed effort, he simply retreats with her awake, not pleased, and STARVING.

No one likes to be around anything that is starving. Least of all, me after a sex drought.

 Do men analyze this much? I daresay … no way in hell. Because men aren't hibernators. Men are grazers.

And like little cows, nonchalantly sauntering through a field, they'll munch on pretty much any "grass" if the gates swing open and let them in. Not all men, but I've heard enough of your confessions over drinks to know we often handle the space in between a bit differently.

What if I, a women starving, meets a grazer, just out for a little snack, and then he continues on his journey? And I have to explain to both of us (us being my vagina and me) why I felt that was a good choice. What if I go on a few dates with someone and I like them enough but don't see it being anything serious or long term. Do I live in the moment? Roll with it? What if I don’t and it fizzles out and then it's months until I stumble upon another guy I connect with enough to warrant a second date? I have no idea how long it will be until I lure another man in who thinks he is up to the challenge of dating me.

Because while she and I are content for this moment, this moment is not ever lasting, and one day she'll awake. She'll bat her little vagina eyes open after a yawn and a stretch and be like, "What the hell? When is the last time someone was up in here Lady?"

And there's no blame like your own vaginal shame when you have a craving and no idea how long it will be until you find someone who you hit it off with again. It's pretty disheartening. Friends in hibernation - you are not alone.

If my current Bumble success is an indication of this dry spell being over, well, I don’t need a Magic 8-ball to know the outlook isn't so good.

Cheers to her sleeping a bit longer.