Loved

Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

For more years than I care to admit, I focused on the love I didn’t have. I gave my attention to the relationships that failed. I got lost in the past and anxious of the future. When psychologists coined the phrase “skin hunger” I questioned when an embrace would feel like home again. It was hard not to be consumed by the absence of a certain love when, for so long, it was all I’d ever wanted.

Yet along the way, somewhere in my mid-30s, my mindset shifted. I began to see that my life was filled to the brim with love. Romantic love, more often than not, escaped me for as long as I could remember. But when I took a step back, away from what I was so narrowly focused on, I found love surrounded me. Love engulfed me. Love was an overwhelming part of my story and my journey.

I am loved by many people who show up at work with me each day. It might seem funny to mention work before family or my best friends, but these are the people I spend more of my time with, as a single human, than anyone else. The love varies between the relationships, but some of the greatest and most consistent and safe love I have felt in this world has come from those I’ve met at work. With some of these people, I have been my most vulnerable. Sometimes my best, and other times my ugliest. With them, I have been raw and hurt and grown and fallen. 

And the great ones – the ones I’ll keep forever – have hugged and supported and listened and cheered every step of the way whether it was forward or backward. It’s a unique type of love – to burst when they join a meeting and turn their camera and smile back – I feel lucky to have experienced that genuine joy with so many.

I am loved beautifully by my family. They may not understand me or my passions fully, but their love and support has never wavered. They haven’t just taught me unconditional love – they have showed me it throughout my life. We have laughed and cried. We’ve experienced loss and new life. We’ve encountered hard moments and growth, and through it all, I’m convinced we’ve group hugged more than any other family on this planet. I only hope to one day love half as selflessly as they do.

I have managed to find more people than I ever imagined to love the mess that is me. My positivity and good intentions, mixed with my surplus of opinions and strong will, and my giant heart that just wants a little more love and joy in the world for us all. I am lucky to be loved and included and given space in so many people’s lives. The room I’m allowed varies with the seasons, but as some depletes, I find new friendships form and it’s a cycle I’ve growth to accept.

I am loved by my creator. It’s a love I was raised to believe in and feel to this day. It’s a love I’ve learned is not for everyone, but I’m thankful it’s a part of my life. In my darkest moments, when I feel most alone, I believe He is there. And in my good moments – my moments of joy and happiness – I like having Him to thank and share it with - even if it’s just listening to a good song on Spotify with the windows rolled down on a sunny day. I like sharing my gratitude for the big moments and the smallest of moments with God – a genuine appreciation for a life I deeply love.

But of all the love – love from pets that aren’t even mine or strangers who have become friends, or family or work peers … there is one love that to me, is the most powerful, and the most meaningful.

The love I have for myself.

This love, this love took time. This love took making mistakes; learning the hard way what type of person I didn’t want to be. This love took surrounding myself with people smarter, kinder, more generous that I was so I knew who I wanted to grow to be. This love took staring at the reflection in the mirror with kinder eyes, and more grace than I did in my 20s.

This love took therapy and meditation and yoga and eventually medicine to learn to channel my thoughts for good and not anxiety. It took starting over, time and time again – from college to moving to a new city to start my career, to a first and then second relocation – building careful communities and friendships each time. With each passing year, I am more aware of what I will, and will not, invest my energy and emotions in.

It took spending time alone, with only myself, until I leaned to find comfort and peace with my own company. It was painful, lonely and uncomfortable in the beginning, but now I find solace in my time alone. I enjoy long road trips and plane rides alone, content with only myself because I’m hanging out with someone I truly enjoy. 

Self-love has, by far, taken the longest to obtain but it is the most amazing to receive. And by loving myself, I can feel the love of everyone else a little more deeply.

I do hope one day I find a lasting romantic love. A love in which overall, I feel I am thriving and growing and fully living. But in the meantime, I am grateful for the love I am given each day by those around me. 

This Valentine’s Day, no matter who is or isn’t beside you, take a step back and widen your view. And hopefully, you see love all around you too.