Moving Forward
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
I am not familiar with forever in relationships.
I am, however, no stranger to arriving at the place of no longer.
Being in my late 30s and still single, it’s something I’ve experienced more times than I care to count. He’s no longer texting me. He’s no longer making time and space for me. He’s no longer my person.
But with time comes experience, and through the years I have found a few things that have allowed me to handle the heartbreak and move forward when disappointment shows up at my doorstep. What works for me may not work for others, but if I can offer any wisdom, it would be this.
Feel Your Feelings
When an ex trampled all over my heart recently, I walked away a bit bruised afterward. I knew it would end, because I did not see him as my life partner and would never be confident in his stability in such a role. I knew it would end badly because I am full of emotions and feelings and incapable of things that are ‘casual’ and ‘just for fun.’ I prefer things that are real. This likely is also the reason I have spent the majority of my 30s alone.
When this happened, despite knowing it was inevitable, I still was overcome with emotion. Some of it was about him, and how he handled our situation. But, more so it was much bigger than him.
In ten years, how was this as good as it’s gotten for me, the most serious I’ve been with anyone? I will be honest with you – realizing the only person you’ve cared about in a decade isn’t that great of a human is a bit jarring. When you realize you handed someone a gold medal who didn’t even warrant a participation ribbon, you will experience a full range of emotions.
I also will question what I am mourning more – that person and lost connection, or the lost potential and promises of a future that will never be. Sometimes the never was hurts just as much.
When that happens to me, I have to face that hurt and disappointment head on. In this particular case, it involved me not sleeping, text yelling harsh insults at said ex before blocking him and cutting off all contact, and then feeling sorry for myself in my bed and refusing to get up before noon. (I said I was going to share what worked for me, I never promised it would be good or usable advice).
On a more serious note, I needed to let myself feel all the things. Frightened that it might never happen. Angry that I gave my heart and time to someone so undeserving. Exhausted that I keep trying, only to keep failing.
I invited two of my best friends over that weekend for a night I dubbed “Sad-urday” and I laid on my couch and they cooked for me and sat in my sadness with me. They didn’t insist on pulling me out or tell me I was foolish (when I absolutely was) – they just showed up.
Which brings me to my next point.
Let People Show Up For You
My parents have lovingly and patiently attended my pity parties since men started disappointing me - so probably since around first or second grade. The parties obviously got more elaborate with time, and the stakes much higher as high school crushes were replaced by potential suitors who could become my husband.
I am fortunate to have a healthy, open relationship with my parents. I am fortunate that for decades they have propped me up when boys hurt my heart. It is because of their unconditional love and support that I am a thriving, confident and successful 37-year-old woman in a sea of marriages and birth announcements.
I am single, but I am loved. And that makes a huge difference in my mind.
From my parents to my baby sisters, to my college roomies, and confidants at work, to my friends in my close circle (and sometimes anyone in general who will listen) I have been supported with each letdown.
In 2018 when I hit rock bottom with my anxiety and failing relationship, I Snapchat text two of my friends every day, all throughout the day as I was drowning. They never got tired. They always responded. They helped my lungs fill with air again.
People worry about being a burden. But friends are made for more than just happy hours. When I invite them into the tough moments, they almost always show up beautifully.
So let them.
“People worry about being a burden. But friends are made for more than just happy hours. When I invite them into the tough moments, they almost always show up beautifully.
So let them.”
Yoga With Adriene
This beautiful, wholesome yoga YouTube sensation was instrumental in my recovery from an anxiety spiral. (Credit also goes to my neighbor down the hall for coming over every week day in the fake yoga studio in my living room to spend 20 minutes waking up my body and quieting my mind).
Adriene’s month-long journeys and quiet whispers to let go of what no longer served me, her gentle reminders to breathe lots of love in and lots of love out were a healthy start to each day. It gave me a goal – something to drive me out of bed – and more importantly, it strengthened my mind and made me more effective at meditation and being still. I remember feeling like I wasn’t getting a lot out of it initially. It was a slow crescendo that crept up on me until suddenly it was so obvious how much better I felt I couldn’t understand how I didn’t notice before. To this day, I feel noticeably better on the mornings I start my day with yoga. Trust me – namaste y’all.
Rearrange Your Space
This has been my go-to move for the past decade. When someone comes into my home and begins making memories with me, I will picture them there long after they are gone. For the big breaks, moving my bed around, flipping the furniture or, quite honestly, moving to Seattle in 2012 are some small and life-changing ways I’ve reclaimed my space and memories.
After my most recent relationship ended, I slowly incorporated new color schemes, updated lamps and throw pillows and invested in low lighting to make my place both inviting and cozy. It has become my sanctuary and I feel at peace nestled in most nights.
Therapy
Recently my friend asked me, “Can you thank your ex for the good he brought to your life, and let go and move on?” I immediately responded, “No, he is a terrible human and should suffer.” (See Feel Your Feelings, above).
But as time wore on, I revisited this thought, and realized I am truly grateful because this relationship brought me to invest in nearly a year of therapy. And that was life changing. I cannot speak highly enough of the time I invested processing my emotions with the help of a professional. I learned to breathe. I learned to listen to my body more. I ached openly at the thought of dying alone. I faced this fear head on. I eventually began a small dose of Lexapro and felt the spinning in my brain slow for the first time in decades.
If not for that relationship in which I crumbled to the point of breaking, I don’t know if I would have ever considered therapy. It was a critical piece to me rebuilding back a better me after I walked away.
Let It Go
Simply put, hate is heavy. Be careful how long you are willing to carry it around. It takes time to become indifferent but keep working toward it each day. (From my opening paragraph under my “Therapy” section, you will likely notice I have a bit further to go still).
Create the space you need to heal and move on. Be fierce about guarding your heart from what no longer serves you. You owe nothing to anyone or anything. As a woman, I validate, over-explain and over-apologize. A kind stranger recently reminded me to trust myself, know my worth, and take care of my heart and soul.
And I strongly suggest you all do that same.
Love Yourself
Of any lesson I’ve learned in any relationship, the lesson to love myself has been the most critical. And it’s taken the longest.
I have always felt messy. And loud. And uncertain. But I learned to accept my flaws (while being open to working on them and myself) and have focused on the parts of me that I am proud of. My thirst for adventure. My passion for turning strangers into friends. My love of connection. My willingness to help. My wit and humor and desire to bring joy into people’s lives.
I am far from perfect, but I am so worth loving.
We all are.
For those looking for a fresh start, for healing, to fully breathe in and breathe out, I hope some of this helps. If nothing else, know you aren’t alone. And sometimes knowing that small fact makes more of a difference than all the new throw pillows in the world.
“Because I’m moving on, letting go
Forget the past and giving up the ghost
All we are is fading stars, life’s too short to stay where we are
Forgiving then live and move on tell me that’s gonna make me stronger”