Permission

 

On any given day, I scroll through Instagram or Facebook and view hundreds of images effortlessly. I see friends crushing workouts, taking family photos, announcing pregnancies and baby genders, and traveling solo or with loved ones.

In a world where comparisons are at our fingertips, it’s hard not to criticize or question. Why didn’t I hit the gym? Why can’t I make a relationship work? Why do my DIY projects look like a Pinterest fail while hers turned out perfectly? Should I get Stitch Fix so I dress a little more stylish? When did I last highlight my hair? She’s having another baby and I haven’t been on a date in months?

I find myself sizing up my life and accomplishments to old classmates and former friends or a girl I met through a friend of a friend and wondering why I know how many kids they have and what they were for Halloween when I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually sat down and had a conversation with them.

Over drinks with a friend the other day, she said something that struck a chord with me. As a yoga instructor, she often encourages those in her class to rest in Child’s Pose if they need to catch their breath. She shared that despite recognizing they are struggling, they often won’t take the break they need unless they feel granted permission by her.

I thought back to my last workout with two friends, which followed too closely to a late brunch and a lack of consistent exercise, and entailed me eyeing each of their treadmill speeds to make sure I was keeping up. My lungs were burning, I counted the seconds until our rest pace, and silently begged for them to slow down. I needed their permission to ease up, to feel validated in reducing my speed rather than listening to myself.

I wonder how often in life I’m looking left or right when I really need to look within. Why I allow those around me to dictate what success feels like for myself. Why despite traveling the world and thriving in my career, I put pressure on myself when my life doesn’t mirror that of the 30 somethings around me. Why I don’t wake up and focus on everything I have going for me at any given moment instead of scrolling through lives I’m not fully connected to anymore and experience only through photos and 10 second videos that disappear within 24 hours.

Her words have stayed in my mind. And I realize I need to give myself permission. I need to give myself permission to be exactly where I am. Not as limber as those around me perhaps. But I’m showing up. I’m thriving in my own way. Life doesn’t look like what I thought it would, and I need to allow myself to feel what I feel in that space while giving myself grace.

I realize I have to make an effort each day to stop counting. Stop counting the wedding rings around the table during our Leadership meeting. (Twelve. Twelve married leaders. One single leader. Me). I have to remind myself no one sees me as the single girl. It could be because of the conscious effort I've made to be the traveler, or the breath of fresh air. But maybe it's because they've all been married so long it was no special feat, just a path forward that doesn't make them any more or less human and vulnerable than I am.

As women, we are often so hard on ourselves. It’s good yet mismanaged intentions of wanting to do so much but at the end of the day, having only so much to give. We expect if not demand to flourish in so many capacities. But who can lengthen their eyelashes, master their makeup application, hit the gym, prepare a healthy meal, keep up at work, find time to drink wine with friends and let the dog out all while trying to make beach waves in our hair effortlessly with a straightener and still getting 8 hours of sleep a night?

So let’s give ourselves permission. To ache when it hurts to walk alone when so many walk with others. Let’s give ourselves permission to have a glass of wine when we should have worked out or when we forgo both to collapse on the couch in sweats. Let’s give ourselves permission to take our foot off the gas and coast for a moment. To stop comparisons and self-criticism and just be. It is not my intent to ask us to lose momentum or motivation, but to perhaps, just for today, to be okay exactly where we stand, flaws and all. To feel overwhelmed or alone or tired or anxious or depressed and maybe, just maybe, to feel okay with that.

But to also look at yourself and love yourself for where you are this very moment in life.

Deep breath in ladies. You have my permission.

But more importantly, you have your own.

 
Katie Hammitt