Shifting Expectations

Photo by Chelsea Francis on Unsplash

This summer I will turn 38.

 I will (maybe) attend my 20th class reunion.

And I will officially have been dating for 20 years as an adult.

Twenty. Years.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve walked into a restaurant or bar to sit across from a stranger.  The times I’ve arranged to meet potential suitors in a park or to for a walk. Most times, I know little more than their first name and that they will take the time to fully spell out “how about you?” when texting.

When it comes to being set up, I’ve almost always agreed to at least a first date. I once went as far as agreeing to go on “holiday” with a friend of a friend living in Germany, spending five days with him in Montreal, Canada.

Just this week, Bumble sent me a notification commending me for making for making 174 first moves on the app.

One hundred and seventy-four interactions with complete strangers who I judge based on photos, fun facts they might have chosen to share, height and whether or not they are open to children.

There were times it used to break me. Moments in the past where it seemed so hopeless; the life I longed for seemed never seemed within reach. I watched friends all around me fall in love and begin their new chapters while I stayed stuck on repeat.

Over the years, I’ve come to create my own little list of “soft rules” to follow. Lessons learned from mistakes made and time lost. Helpful tips to try to keep making going on one more date more bearable.

Meet for a drink or quick happy hour.

Start with drinks and be open to food if things are going well – avoid planning for dinner on the first date as that becomes a three hour investment of time in someone you have no intentions of investing anymore time or energy in.

Avoid exchanging phone numbers until after you actually go on a date. No number to delete and you don’t end up with a phone full of “Ryan Bumble” or “Matt Hinge” contacts.

Aim for quick weekday meet ups or coffee on the weekend. You get two nights a week to not have work the following day – think twice before giving them to stranger.

Have tentative plans after your date so if they try to extend the meetup, you can gracefully exit. (This helps if you’re a softy like me who will stay and agree to their suggestion to ordering strawberries and champagne even though you’ve been ready to go for the last 45 minutes).

I’ve even started to rate my dates on a pass/fail sort of scale that I lovingly refer to as “The Pants Scale.” Ironically, “real pants” as I like to call them, dictate more in my dating life that I realized.

Pre-Covid, I would usually come home from work, strip of my pants/dress/skirt and lay on the couch in sweatpants until about 25 minutes before my date. I would regretfully pull myself off my couch and getting ready as quickly as possible before heading out the door to meet Dale or Jim or Kyle for a drink.

This habit eventually led me to thinking the same thought during a good 90% of my first dates.

I can’t believe I put on pants for this.

While I realize the intent, in a crude way, is to find someone worth taking the pants off for, most of my encounters lead me to regret ever putting them on to begin with.

I’ve worked hard to reframe my expectations, and instead of hoping for someone who knocks my socks off and makes me thrilled I put pants on, I simply hope to make a connection with another human also still searching.

But more so than silly rules and begrudgingly removing my sweatpants, two main things have truly kept me sane in the last two decades.

Community and Self-Love.

I am in a beautiful chapter of life where I am both content and happy. I credit the community I’ve built and the love I have for myself for the joy I am living today.

I’ve always been happy, but the content piece has only been an addition in the last few years. I’m a relatively upbeat person, but for years I was restless. I was constantly searching. Continuously wondering when it would be my turn.

The combination of freezing my ages when I was 35 years-old, paired with a toxic relationship that same year, shifted my mentality on what I truly needed to be happy.

I needed to be loved.

I needed to be cared for.

I needed someone to laugh with.

I needed to enjoy being with just myself.

I needed to feel at peace with who I am.

I realized that while I desired that in a romantic partner, I didn’t need it to be happy like I’d been wired to believe. I could find all those things within myself, and from my community of friends and family.

And that realization has been life-changing.

“I realized that while I desired that in a romantic partner, I didn’t need it to be happy like I’d been wired to believe. I could find all those things within myself, and from my community of friends and family.

And that realization has been life-changing. ”

I am open to love, but no longer a slave to wanting something I had little control over, outside of putting on pants and trying.

I have built a community of people who overflow my cup with love and laughter. I have stopped saying to myself, “Yeah, it’s nice, but…” and learned to appreciate the good I had in the present.

Yeah, but I want to be married.

Yeah, but I want kids.

Yeah, but I want to share my life with someone.

Yeah, but I want to fall asleep with someone.

Yeah, but I want someone for those special moments.

And I shifted the dialogue.

Yeah, but I am loved by my friends and family.

Yeah, but I have people who care about me.

Yeah, but I am sharing my life with lots of amazing people.

Yeah, but I have time and energy to give to so many others.

Yeah, but if they don’t make my life better, they don’t deserve space in it.

And if I know anything or have learned anything, it’s that there’s no one way to live life. No “right” way, despite what society tells us. There is beauty in every path; in so many moments. And most people end up in a place they never really anticipated, with life looking different from what they’d expected.

So, cheers to the journey, whatever yours may look like. Here’s to strong communities and self-love. Because no matter where life takes us, what detours or roadblocks we continue to encounter, I promise you, it’s most definitely worth putting pants on for.