The Distinction
Image by Rudy and Peter Skitterians from Pixabay
"You giving up on men totally?”
It was question asked of me recently since people began discovering Minus A Plus One and my weekly blog. It should come as little surprise that this question was from, in fact, a man.
There are a few misunderstandings about what I’m trying to build. Let me be clear. I do hope to find a partner in my lifetime. I have not given up on men. I hope the women in this community have not given up on finding a partner either, whether that human be non-binary, male or female.
It is not single vs. married.
It is not absence of understanding or empathy for others when asking for it for ourselves.
It's not women burning their bras (though I have some dingy nude bras that have overstayed their welcome in my dresser drawer and perhaps should be destroyed).
It's not declaring it will never happen, throwing lavish pity parties for the group, and believing we will never find love. (Though I do regularly host pity parties for myself. Shout out to my friends who attend; my mother needs a break after being first on the invite list for the last two decades.)
No, I have not given up on love. I still very much believe in it.
But here’s what I have given up on.
I’ve given up on the misconception I’ve had since a child that being married and creating a family is the only path to happiness in life.
I’m giving up on the notion that unless a partner walks beside us we cannot thrive in this world.
I have given up on quietly counting the examples that this world is built for, and in favor of, those married with children and wondering when or if I'll ever fit that mold.
I want to be a voice for those who are constantly reminded in the subtlest of ways that their life does not fit into what others expect and help them feel a little better at the end of the day.
I want to create a community for those who no longer feel like they fit into theirs, when they look at their high school or college friends and realize they are the only one not married. The only one still getting their heart broke; much like the days of their youth, when their peers have moved past them and are navigating, growing, and thriving in their marriages - many as parents.
In a world where every Disney Princess of my childhood ingrained in me that my prince would come and shoes were magical, I want to provide comfort to those who never saw those things come true. (Though, if Carrie Bradshaw taught single women anything, it's that shoes, in fact, can be magical. So, perhaps that part is factual for some).
I want my words to help shape a space for everyone living outside the lines of what is normal and expected for us by society.
I want to be a voice for the single.
The divorced.
The single parent.
The child-free by choice.
Those struggling with infertility.
Those who love outside the lines of gender.
Those who love more than one human when consent comes from all parties.
In my life, when I answered, "no boyfriend" or "nope, no kids, still looking for their father" I've been met with sympathy, disbelief, prayers and everything in between more times than I can count. But despite their honest and good intentions – I’ve given up on that being acceptable too.
I know people who personally have said "I do" because of pressure from family, their friends were all getting married, or it felt like the right next step. And many of those marriages failed because there is a belief or assumption they had to get married and have a family by a certain age, and the relationship in front of them was not one that would allow them to grow and thrive and it eventually crumbled.
We've let society cast an unfair script for the unwed. Spinster. Old Maid. Or more recently Career-Driven. Strong willed. Too picky. Crazy.
Assumptions. Judgement.
It's not to say I'm giving up. I just don’t want myself and others to feel the pressure that there’s something missing or they are less then because we currently walk alone.
A recent blogger who stumbled upon Minus A Plus One beautifully stated “it’s addition by subtraction” in an article she wrote titled Minus a Plus One: a Common Connection.
And she nailed it.
Gone are the days where a woman cannot thrive unless in a relationship.
Single women are buying more single-family homes (oh, the irony) than men are. One and half million more in the 50 largest metro areas.
We are traveling the world, accomplishing goals far greater than obtaining a marriage license, and creating fulfilling lives with what is within our control.
Life was meant to be lived, and you can do that with or without a wedding ring; with or without children.
And sometimes, that choice isn't yours to make.
To not need one is quite different than not wanting one. And while I hope this is one day my path, I’m learning to be at peace if it never is. If I never find that person who truly fits me. I have learned how to thrive and live and love far beyond that of a romantic relationship. It’s different – don’t get me wrong – and it's still hard at times - but I hope to prove that life can be beautiful whether you share it with one specific person, keep it to yourself, or share it with the world.
Simply put, I didn't feel comfortable or understand my place as single woman in the world I lived in.
So I created my own.
Minus A Plus One is my labor of love. To inspire the next generation of women to marry who they want when it's right for them - and feel completely normal every step of their journey.
It’s to make the road easier for those desiring a life partner who don’t get there as quickly as others.
It's to empower women not to feel pressured into marriage and to see all paths through life as thriving and beautiful.
It’s to be bold enough to believe that one day it can be as common or accepted to marry as it is not to.
No, I have not given up on men. Only those who don't believe in allowing us to write a different ending to an old story.
It is my hope we can change the mindset of others. That we can celebrate milestones beyond birth announcements and gender reveals for those thriving in a different way. That we can learn to celebrate the beauty of life lived with or without a partner. With or without children.
And perhaps, begin to write a different ending to the princess not finding her prince and still living happily ever after.
I hope that answers that question. *
*(If not, feel free to check out my FAQ section for further clarification).