A Solo Holiday

Photo by Ira Ostafiichuk on Unsplash

Outside my window snow is softly falling; large flakes gathering on my windowsill. The temperature is steadily dropping and I am tucked in near the light of my Christmas tree, the holiday season lingers just around the corner. 

Yes, the season to be merry is upon us. Where many will gather round with friends, family and relatives to celebrate in many different ways this year. Some gatherings will be small, some similar to years past, and some may not take place at all. 

We’ll open gifts we love, gifts we’ll return, or perhaps forgo gifts altogether; all (hopefully) with a smile on our faces.   

But the holidays are also the time of year for those both familiar and unfamiliar to sometimes ask questions with positive intent, not realizing the unintended consequences that follow. And for those specifically to those living a life not yet normalized by society, the season can sometimes be a little tougher.

So, for any wondering what questions to ask your beloved single friends this holiday season, I’ve created this helpful guide to read or share with a friend.

Questions and Comments to Avoid Asking

Your Single Friends This Holiday Season

(or ever, please) and My Responses.

So ...have you found anyone special yet?

Yes. I have. I am hiding them because I love being asked this question. 

When will you finally settle down?

Possibly never. I haven’t ‘settled’ in any direction in 37 years and it has served me well so far. (My friend who edits my blog said, “My answer would be: “Why settle when I have all of this?” *raises arms slowly and looks around in grand fashion. Can you tell why we are friends?)

Are you worried about your clock?

Oh, I usually just use my cellphone if I need the time.

What’s wrong with you? (insert ‘I’m just teasing’ laugh)

Hahahahahaha. Nothing. Thank you for suggesting something is and/or implying that my relationship status is due to a defect in who I am. (Then stare at them while awkward silence lingers).

 So … are you seeing anyone? (Pause). Why not? You’re so great!

I already doubt myself on a consistent basis … thank you for planting yet another seed of anxiety in my overflowing garden of questioning. 

How come you can’t keep a [insert gender here?]

Oh, because I value being happy and thriving in life. And [insert gender] brings neither of those things for me long-term.

When are you gonna bring home a lovely, nice, young [insert gender here]?

Never. Let’s just shoot for never and maybe I’ll surprise us both. 

So, what’s it like dating these days?

It’s like I’m judging a fishing competition or awarding stickers for seat-belt safety due to the number of car selfies and holding fish photos I see on Bumble sites. 

Yes, I lose a tiny morsel of my soul with each swipe. Yes, I had a Bumble match complain when I unmatched and he could no longer use my photos whilst masturbating (and yes – he actually shared this very unnecessary confession). 

However, single people are not here for your amusement, so unless they created a blog and write about this very content, or choose to share their dating horror stories, please don’t ask this question. Maybe it’s boredom, or wanting to live vicariously through someone else, but unless we are offering, or you spot us quietly weeping into our wine glass in the corner and you’re genuinely concerned, this isn’t appropriate.

(And if they really want to know how it’s going, have them read my prior post on the topic - Snipe Hunting).

You’re not getting any younger.

Neither are you, Aunt Myrtle, and yet here we are.* 

If you don’t stop being so picky, you’re always going to be single.

I’m not picky about all things, I assure you. I have slept in a hostel and booked a 5-star resort in the same vacation. My car is almost a decade old, but it’s reliable and can haul Christmas trees and is perfect for the drive in theater which were two “must-haves” I wanted when purchasing. I eat at fancy restaurants but also love to make tuna and noodles for a quick go-to at home. I drool more over Patagonia than Prada or Tiffanys. I am flexible in lots of ways.

But when it comes to choosing a life partner, the person I will (hopefully) raise my children with, and intend to hangout with until I die (and I optimistically plan to live to be 92) - you better believe I’m gonna be picky. Spoiler alert: you should be too.

No children? Where do you find meaning in life? 

Yes, single people actually endure this very comment, or others quite similar. I vividly remember a co-worker having his first child and telling me, “My life didn’t start until I had children” and I sat there wondering how much longer I’d have to wait for my life to start.  

Single people have lives that are full of meaning. It looks different, sure, but for many, I might even argue their impact and meaning has a further reach beyond just their immediate center of influence. At the end of the day, it’s not a contest and both can be declared ‘winners’ in their own way.

What are you doing for the holidays? For New Years? You must be doing something super fun. You’re so lucky to be single.

Fun Fact: I’ve spent the last three New Years on my couch with friends having a quiet night in. For those finding themselves without “amazing, super-fun plans” it feels like we have to do something “big” to offset being “alone.” The question itself is fine, but no need to make assumptions as to the “awesome” time that awaits.

Here’s my honest advice, jokes aside.

View asking others about dating like you would asking weight loss. Would you ask when they were going to lose the weight? Why their diets weren’t working? How it was going being overweight? If they were having too many cheat days? If they worry they’ll never hit their goal weight? If they feel they aren’t “enough” because they weigh “too much?” 

If these questions are hurtful or rude or inappropriate to those struggling with their weight loss journey… can we give more care to how we question those on a different journey? 

It’s hard to know how comments are perceived to those walking a different path. I see the world through a different lens as comments like the above have been piled on through the years. And I’ve made my share of mistakes inquiring of those on the other side. I remember asking a co-worker when he and his wife were finally going to have kids already, and he quietly responded they’d be trying for over six years. It was then I realized if I wasn’t close enough to him and his wife to know their infertility struggles, it wasn’t my business to carelessly question. 

So here’s what you can ask me.

Ask about my job. My next trip. (Okay, maybe not this year). My family. My neighbors. My friends. If I plan to adopt a dog. If I’m still going to wine nights. What I hope to accomplish with my blog.

And if you don’t have a basic understanding of these things happening in my life … the last personal, vulnerable information that’s appropriate for you to inquire of is my love life. Work to understand me as an individual - I promise I am interesting enough with or without a romantic backstory.

This year has been a tough one, and this holiday season, let’s all approach conversations with a little more grace, love, and understanding.  

*(Apologies to any Aunt Myrtle’s offended by this post).