Swimming Upstream

Photo by Angie Lopez on Unsplash

I’m swimming upstream.

These were the words I heard so clearly as I lay next to him. Since my friend mentioned the concept of dharma this past weekend, I hadn’t been able to get the visual out of my head. Wikipedia explains the Buddhism concept of dharma as “cosmic law and order” and the Institute for Intuitive Intelligence states that, “When we live in accordance with the laws, our life will come into a flow state so that we end up with ease and grace, with things coming to us effortlessly.”

In simplistic terms, my friend described the concept of dharma as swimming downstream versus swimming upstream. It was when the Universe was aligned and things came together naturally, and somewhat easily, and just worked.

“When your life is aligned with your dharma,” Yogapedia explains, “it brings a sense of joy and fulfillment.” 

And in this moment, laying in my bed with him, that I was overwhelmed with defeat in realizing when it came to romantic situations, there was no dharma to be had for me.

There are lots of things in life that have been easy. Swimming downstream, to borrow her analogy. When it comes to travel, my greatest passion, the trips have fallen together easily. Even when I dreamed my biggest dreams, I found ways to conquer them will little resistance. Things fell into place and it felt right. 

When it came to building communities and adapting to new cities, things fell into place fairly easily for me there as well. Friends reached out and connected me to strangers who became friends. Failed Bumble dates became platonic relationships to share a glass of wine with on occasion. This past year, a new neighbor in my building brought an entire group of amazing, successful, thriving women into my life. Even in a global pandemic, I was swimming downstream when it came to surrounding myself with good people.

At my job I’ve been able to continue growing, and while I’ve had challenges, I’ve never felt like I was fighting to make it work, or overwhelmed with defeat on a consistent basis. I’ve had incredible bosses for the most part, one most recently who poured hours and hours into developing me into a stronger leader.  It’s a change that has steadied me and brought a calmness that has echoed throughout my professional and personal life. Despite small setbacks from time to time, I’ve mostly felt I was following the current.

From a health standpoint, I’ve been lucky year after year, hardly making a dent in my health savings account. From a parent’s standpoint, I personally hit the jackpot. From a family standpoint, I’m surrounded by unconditional love and acceptance and encouragement.

While I’ve personally challenged myself, grown, learned and adapted, my moves always felt like the Universe was on my side, my fortune so much greater than that of so many around me. I rarely faced obstacles that stood in my way for any significant amount of time.

Until it came to love.

And more specifically, romantic love.

There is where, for as long as I can remember, I’ve swum upstream.

Each relationship has been a fight to make progress as I battled against the current. Relationships end as quickly as they began. When I failed, I failed big. My strength of vulnerability became my curse, my walls down and my heart open from the beginning.

I tried letting it happen naturally. I’ve been set up more than half a dozen times in the past two years across nearly all time zones and two continents. I’ve tried Bumble, and Hinge, and OK Cupid and Coffee Meets Bagel. I’ve swiped for months and then deleted all apps for over a year. Nothing seemed to work. With each attempt; each time I put myself out there, the Universe still seemed to shake its head no. 

I fell for someone as I was relocating to Columbus only to find out he was moving to Denver. 

I gave my heart completely to someone who within a month of us no longer seeing each other was madly, completely in love with a new girl he’d swiped on.

I traveled internationally to meet a man who I spent five perfect, amazing days with only to have him return to his country and fade from my life, my messages remaining unanswered for days.

Someone literally slid into my DM (direct messages) on Instagram. We chatted and FaceTimed for a couple months and he was a good human - thoughtful, put-together and intelligent. But by our second visit, the chemistry faded and felt forced for me. And he never forgave me for my change of heart, calling me “fickle-minded” and cutting off all communication after I ended things.

I felt a spark with a man who was brilliant and charming and enjoyable only to find out he didn’t share my faith, desire for children and wasn’t keen on getting married again.

With each relationship, with each failure, I felt the struggle. The constant battle. Everything working against me.

Whether I prayed for it, was open to it, stopped trying all together, or was “not the least expecting it” – it continued to never happen. 

The conflict I feel is endless. Nearly every song, every movie, every novel, story … it’s about wanting love, finding love, losing love and happily ever afters. 

But what if for decades at a time, that hasn’t been for you? What if that alignment never comes? What if it never fails together?

What if it takes years, if not decades before it does? 

Do you keep swimming upstream? 

Per Yogapedia, “It is said that all beings must accept their dharma for order and harmony to exist in the world. If an individual is following their dharma, they are pursuing their truest calling and serving all other beings in the universe by playing their true role.”

Maybe that’s why the Universe hasn’t allowed me to swim downstream. Maybe I can do more for this world – serve others in the universe – by sharing my hurt instead of another love story.

Is it giving up? Or going with a much-needed flow to bring more joy and fulfillment than desiring a relationship has? 

At the end of the day, it’s not a decision shared or spoken out-loud as much as felt. 

Instead I focus on today, and being in this moment - my heart feeling drained of my energy as I keep swimming upstream. 

So, for now, I pause my dating apps. I say no to another possibility states away.

I let myself be carried downstream, on my back, eyes closed, my arms stretched wide. 

And for a moment, I feel peace.