Five Deadly Words
I recently spent some time back home in the small town I grew up in. It’s a trip I’ve made more frequently this year, as I find comfort in the familiarity of my family, my nephew’s endless energy, and my parent’s new puppy. There are welcomed changes from the quiet solitude of my one-bedroom downtown apartment.
My mom had been thoughtful enough to rearrange our guest bedrooms to create my own personal space in the basement. It was through a random conversation one night she mentioned the full bed had been put down in the basement, allowing me more space to work in the quiet of the bedroom as well. Their spare queen would be upstairs for when my aunt and uncle stay.
Admittedly, I’d slept there for several nights, oblivious to the fact it was a full bed I was crawling into each night. It was plenty big for just me. It was later that night as I was rinsing off before bed that my mind began to wander.
I was curious why they hadn’t put the queen bed in the basement for me … and then realized in the nearly 10 years that had passed since I’d left Iowa, I’d only brought back one boyfriend to meet my family. That one weekend had already been more than two years ago.
My mind will start doing math without me asking. It was easy to tally as, despite having relationships that resembled having a “boyfriend” here and there, I’d only had one substantial relationship who I’d brought back to my home state with me.
It is in the moments when I start to keep score – when I begin to count - that I hear those two phrases crystal clear in my mind. Together they make what I call “the deadly five.”
I’m supposed to and I should.
It’s a dangerous road to travel down - saying those words and filling in the blanks. As a still single 37-year-old, who grew up in a small town in the Midwest, I can assure you that it took years upon years to quiet those words that crept up almost daily.
And even today despite all this time, there are times I still fall short.
I’m supposed to be married at this age.
I’m supposed to be bringing my family home with me and filling more than a full bed.
I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life by now.
How many times do these words surface through our mind throughout the week? How often are we comparing ourselves to others with only a partial view into their reality?
I should know what I want to do with my life.
I should know who I want to spend it with.
I should not feel so lost right now.
It’s funny how a simple revelation can send me into a shame spiral. How my own thoughts cast shadows against the dark corners of my mind, playing out a story woven in insecurity and unfair comparisons. I will openly share with you, the greatest thing that has happened to me is being single; through all of my twenties and most of my thirties so far. It is also the hardest. I am unjustly hard on myself at times, despite the incredible life I get to live each day.
I will tell you wholeheartedly my parents are incredible. I have friends whose parents push them for grandchildren. Push them to find someone. Push them period.
Despite being married more than half a lifetime at my age, my parents continue to be patient, loving, and encouraging. They accepted my single status long before I did.
I remember times when I’d be visiting my family, and an innocent comment would trigger me to react sharply. Harshly. There was an insecurity that took me years to be at greater peace with, but I clearly remember my mom walking on eggshells when I’d erupt – those five deadly words ricocheting through me.
I’m supposed to.
I should.
They break me down despite the strength I have built up.
Yet as I’ve gotten older, and perhaps more tired, and unwilling to give my energy to something I can’t control, I’ve started to question - who really has it figured out?
As a single woman who thrives on staying connected to as many people I’ve met in this big, beautiful world as humanly possible, I’ve spent countless evenings gathered around other families’ dinner tables. Sleeping in other families’ guestrooms, evicting their children from their own beds, or crashing on couches downstairs.
I have been welcomed in as Auntie Katie or Miss Katie into so many families and friend’s lives – and they often share a similar secret from time to time.
For my friends with kids, I’ll comment on their patience, their emotional intelligence, their creativity or their love as a parent.
And they whisper, “I have no idea what I’m doing. I keep trying and hoping they turn out.
One recently joked, “my son is walking a thin line between greatness and jail.”
For my single friends, I adore their pets, their style I wish I had, their hobbies or passions and how they spend their time.
And they are doing the very same thing - trying, hoping and figuring life out one day at a time.
In their eyes, I’m not an unwanted woman, unlovable, or incapable of a committed, loving relationship. I am simply Auntie Katie, or Hammie (or Hammy) and someone who brings laughter and love to their life.
And it’s then I remind myself no one is judging me as harshly as I am judging myself. No one is keeping score or counting like I do.
Those things I say ‘I should’ to? The times I think I’m supposed to - they are often lies. Lies I tell myself, and lies I hear others tell themselves. Lies passed down from generation to generation. Lies made up by society or laws of averages.
But ask yourself - is that true?
I should be married by now.
That’s a lie.
I’m supposed to be with my spouse ‘til death do we part.
That’s a nice goal, but at what cost if they cheat? If they stop loving each other? If they find themselves wilting every day, losing themselves until they are unrecognizable?
I should own a house by now.
What law says this? What fact?
I should have a plus one for life events.
Trust - I’ve saved my friends thousands of dollars collectively by showing up solo to 90% of the weddings I’ve attended in the last decade.
My point is this - let go of the supposed to and shoulds we all hold on to. Life is messy and it’s hard, and we are all doing the best we can each day.
There are a million other things I could say, but I’ll to save it for another blog.
Because right now, there’s a full bed just for me in my parent’s basement calling my name.
And the only true “should” in my life right is the fact it’s nearly midnight, and I should get some sleep.