Having Fun
Photo by Womanizer WOW Tech on Unsplash
The other day I enjoyed a bottle of wine with a boy whose face I wanted to kiss.
I’ve been off dating apps for the last year in the hopes I could perhaps meet a potential suitor IRL (in real life).
I like understanding if there is a natural connection, how they carry themselves, what their energy is like – and what mine is like with theirs.
With the recent circumstances, it has been next to impossible to meet anyone organically. But this was someone whose path had crossed mine now and then over the past year or so.
I didn’t know him well, a friend of a friend mostly, but his demeanor sparked a curiosity in me. In our limited interactions I found I enjoyed his banter. I liked when a clever remark of mine evoked genuine laughter from him. I respected his consistency and the fact I didn’t understand him but would wager there was more depth than what lingered at the surface.
And it intrigued me enough to want to learn more.
The conversation that flowed along with the wine was both friendly and honest. He was forthcoming about a recent disappointment in dating, when he had fallen for a girl who hadn’t reciprocated his feelings.
She just wanted to have fun, she had explained to him when they realized they were on different pages.
“Maybe she was on to something,” he mused. “So, I’ve been starting to date more, and try to just have fun.”
I sat there letting his words soak in as I sipped on my bold red cab, lost in thought and stuck on the word fun.
If I’m honest, I remember a time when I had uttered those same words. When I thought I was that tough enough and strong enough to be casual. Or perhaps I was being carefree or craving something so many experienced often and I felt deprived of.
But I was always on the same end as him – already fallen, but convincing myself if they just wanted fun, I could play the game too.
And sometimes it was fun for a bit. But for me, it never lasted.
The act of intimacy was once something many reserved for marriage. And then with age, it became something most shared with someone they cared about. And later yet, something experienced often just to feel satisfied for a moment.
In a time where life is often viewed through carefully selected filtered pictures on social media, intimacy can now come with a simple swipe; a handful of words exchanged. After a drink or two until one of them gathers the courage to, as stated, just have a little fun.
We use the same adjective for intimacy as we do for describing a game night with friends, or casual drinks on a patio.
Let’s just have fun.
Is this the game we play these days? Don’t get too attached. Don’t get too close. Don’t feel anything real.
Just have fun.
Is it?
I ask this sincerely. Is it fun to give yourself emotionally and physically to another? To move with them, to feel with them, to wake up next to them, and then walk away unattached?
Is this what we’re calling fun?
With risk comes reward, but if you risk nothing, it won’t hurt so bad. You won’t be disappointed.
Be casual. Be cool. Play the game.
I remember playing not so long ago.
And it was fun until it wasn’t.
It was fun until it hurt. Until the game truly had a victor. And it was fun for one and not the other.
Is this what dating has become today for some?
Attraction. Connection. Fun.
But is any of it real?
I thought about what he had shared throughout the evening as we took turns filling our glasses until the bottle was empty.
He walked me to the door shortly after where we lingered, exchanging meaningless chatter until he leaned in to kiss me. His lips were soft. His embrace was welcomed.
For a moment in time, I lost myself in his kisses as I breathed him in. With a smile, he invited me to stay. It was tempting. It would be fun.
For a while.
I smiled and knew I couldn’t stay and slipped out the door not long after.
While fun would be nice for that moment in time, I preferred to continue to hold out for something I wanted more.
Something real.
“I think I’ve seen this film before
And I didn’t like the ending.”