Lies We're Told
Simply put, growing up, I was lied to.
From a very early age, through my teen years, and seeping into my 20s, I was told the same lie repeatedly. It wasn’t ill-intended or malicious. But the unintended consequences have been overwhelming for me and many others.
I was told what others believed to be their truth. And it was expected to be mine.
The lies came from all around me – movies, music, Disney princesses, my family, my pastor, those in my congregation – my own parents.
I would grow up, get married, and have babies.
And that would equal happiness.
That had been their story. It only made sense it would be mine. That was how life worked.
It all seemed so simple.
Growing up a 52-Sunday kid, I prayed for a husband before I knew what college I wanted to attend. I was painfully aware of the fact that intimacy outside of marriage was “sin.” College was a time of exploration with shame tightly woven into many experiences and memories. I remember thinking if I could just get married, I’d be a better Christian. And more, a better person. I could cross that “sin” off the list at the very least.
I had relationships throughout college and after, but nothing lasting or healthy. No matter how hard I tried, that ‘happiness’ was never part of my story.
When it never was my path, it caused confusion. Doubt in myself. Constant questioning to the point of anxiety and exhaustion.
If my whole life I was told I’d get married to live happily ever after, why was I always more unhappy in relationships than I was on my own?
“If my whole life I was told I’d get married to live happily ever after, why was I always more unhappy in relationships than I was on my own?”
Sure, there were moments of joy in dating. I have walked on cloud nine because there was someone at my side. Their hand in mine, their smile, their touch, their love – they all have sparked the emotions I was told would make me happy my entire life. And they did.
For a while.
I distinctly remember nights with one ex when we first were dating. How he’d kiss me goodnight, and I’d roll over to my side of the bed with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. I loved falling asleep beside him and seeing him first thing in the morning. To see his smile as soon as he opened his eyes. It was my own little Christmas morning day after day – true excitement just to wake up next to him.
To be loved is a beautiful thing. It’s one of the best feelings.
And then despite the love, despite the good - for me - things always seemed to tip the scale to no longer be in my favor. The good no longer outweighed the bad.
Whether it be mismatched dreams, values, or how we lived life to the fullest – the compromise always seemed too great. And deep down inside, I knew this partner wouldn’t bring me my best life, let alone a better life than I was already living.
Through decades of disappointment from men, I have found happiness in myself. I have set bigger-than-life goals and accomplished them. I am living a lifestyle more incredible than I ever dreamt possible.
And it doesn’t involve marriage or children.
So, here’s my truth.
No man has loved me more beautifully and more perfectly than I love myself.
The freedom I have to embrace life to the fullest – my definition of that and no one else’s – is true happiness to me. One of life’s greatest gifts that I have been given.
We are so busy singing about love and loss and happily-ever-afters – but for many – those are beliefs from others falsely presented as the truth.
I wonder how many nights I wouldn’t have laid awake wondering what was wrong with me if the world didn’t present marriage as the only path to true happiness. If my pastor didn’t preach about it from the pulpit so many Sundays. If the message was to grow up and find myself versus finding a husband or wife.
Someone recently said something that reasoned deeply with me. Our mutual friend was struggling with this very lie – that happiness came from marriage - when hers was causing her the opposite. She confided to a group of us that she almost contacted her significant other to say she still loved him, even though she knew divorce was what she really wanted.
As we offered advice and provided comfort, one friend responded, “You can’t love someone into loving you the way that you need to be loved.”
“You can’t love someone into loving you the way that you need to be loved”
For me, those words are my belief too. My personal truth. I have loved men in my life with every beat of my heart. And I have let those relationships go even as I’ve quietly continued to love for years after we broke up. I could never love them enough to make them love me how I needed and deserved to be loved. I couldn’t love them into being who I needed or wanted them to be.
I could have stayed and hoped it would have gotten better. Prayed it would work out. I honestly believe it’s easier to keep going and hoping than to end a relationship.
Instead, I learned how to show up for myself. How to love myself fully. How to share my dreams with the world instead of my romantic partner.
And this was how I started to write my own truth.
I am happy and thriving outside of a marriage and children.
I hope that one day that those things are part of my story. But I’m learning to be okay if it’s not. Because today, I live in a house full of love. I live in a healthy, thriving space. I am chasing my dreams. I live a life full of love and laughter.
I fall asleep with someone I love each night and I am still waking up with someone I love each morning.
Even if it’s only me in my bed.