Snipe Hunting

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

I recently got back on dating apps.

This came after more than a year-long break from swiping on pictures of strangers - the majority of which were selfies taken in cars. (And, after getting back at it, still are selfies in cars, largely).

My break from app dating was a year of bliss and minimal disappointment.

And, by direct correlation, little to-no-dating.

Gone are the days where holding someone’s gaze and smiling sends the international signal of potential interest. Since Tinder burst on the scene in 2012, meeting IRL (in real life) is less common, and waiting for you both to agree you like each other’s photos is how it’s often done.

Within only a few days of more pictures in bathrooms than I cared to see, I began to think back to a trick I heard about growing up in the Midwest.

Snipe Hunting was something that perhaps my dad told me about as a child, and it involved tricking someone into thinking there was an animal called a snipe that they had to catch. It apparently originated sometime in 1840 in North America, but few are familiar with the term today. I always envisioned someone standing outside with a burlap bag by a big wooden porch in the black of night trying to catch a creature that resembled a weasel. 

It wasn’t until I was back on the apps in search of a relationship that I began to see similarities between my actions and this childhood prank. 

With the exchange of conversation via text, or during walk in the park, or over a cocktail at the bar sandwiched in between plexiglass, it has become more apparent that dating these days is a lot of tricks and very, very few treats. 

So, as a special treat for all of you, here’s a glimpse into dating as a heterosexual, 30-something-year-old women these days.

Snipe #1 – The Persian Pervert

Below are two actual photos sent to me by a 36-year-old suitor after two dates and zero sex. He sent a third image (not suitable for posting) and when I asked why he sent me these inappropriate photos, his response was “It’s funny. Just laugh.” I dubbed him the Persian Pervert and set back out into the dark of night to try again.

Actual text received from suitor after our second date. I responded, “Hopefully masterbation counts.”

It’s one thing to find this amusing. It’s quite another to send it to the female you are ‘dating.’ (We’ll use that term loosely). Do you look at your mother with those pervert eyes, Sir?

Snipe #2 – The Gone in 60 Seconds Ginger

Below is our actual exchange. Yes, we talked about his dog for approximately 28 seconds before he dove right in. And yes, being single in my 30s means I know what horrifying terms like “cuckold.’ (Though I Urban Dictionary-ed it to be certain). I do appreciate him getting it out there and not wasting any time in his intentions and allowing me to unmatch in mere minutes. 

His next comment was asking if I had any friends who would be down for “his type of relationship” and I unmatched immediately after.

Snipe #3 – The “Let’s Just Have Fun” Guy

Another fun exchange, where he claimed to “have fallen in love with me and he hadn’t even met me!” I joked that my mother would be thrilled. I then assured him I wasn’t try to settle down and get married immediately …. And the conversation took a weird turn quickly. 

Yes, the second guy to ask to casually sleep with one of my friends when I opted out. And they say chivalry is dead …

Snipe #4 – The Eager Apprentice  

This was shared by a single friend in Iowa. Yes, this man actually asked this of her. They had gone on zero dates and were just texting to get to know one another. 

Strangely enough, after this message she did not let him go anywhere near her or her vagina for any amount of time.

Snipe #5 – The Eager Beaver

We had a few exchanges and then this… I found the “We need to go fishing!” the most amusing as neither of our profiles or handful of message exchanges mentioned a common love of angling. 

We had literally never met. I was back in Iowa visiting family and he was distraught it would be a week until we could meet up for a drink. Which we never did, because he wanted to “give me what I needed” and it turns out that was to be far, far away from him.

There are dozens of more examples, but my intent is merely to make you laugh as sometimes, that’s all you can do. 

Dating is tough in my experience. But I think life in general is challenging. And beautiful and wonderful and frustrating and tragic. 

But most of all, worth it.

So, here’s to putting ourselves out there anyway even if it feels like we are after something that doesn’t exist. To getting through another disappointed and coming up empty handed yet again. To pouring another glass of wine and taking another deep breath. To laughing when we feel like crying. And to finding the courage to give out our numbers one more time. 

But most of all, here’s to loving ourselves fully in every moment in between.