New Beginnings

Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

It probably sounds silly to say it out loud. If not silly, of little consequence. 

I went to Zoo Lights with a boy the other day. 

As did a hundred other girls, I’m sure. 

I noticed it because it was where I went on one of the first dates with My Ex. One of our favorite photos we ever took was of me in my red coat, snuggled next to him, beaming. When we had walked in and the photographer offered to take our photo, I’d paid the $24 for a 5x7 picture of me kissing his cheek they’d taken of us.

I wanted that moment captured forever.

Zoo Lights was an experience filled with memories of what had been. A girl in love, bursting with optimism, anxious for the future. 

And part of me wanted to stay away from a place lingering with old memories after a year of only disappointment in dating.

But when Bumble-suitor-turned-friend suggested we go, and I found myself saying yes. 

An hour before we met up I darted around my room, second-guessing my outfit and layering. It was so cold out I wanted to wear my warmest jacket. My heart sunk as I realized which one it was.

The red one that I wore when I went with him.

In that moment I think sadness may have overcome me, but, at the same time, a tiny voice spoke up within me. 

Let’s go make new memories.

And so, I did. 

I snuck in a little whiskey this time as I had done in the past with him. Like I had before, my date and I poured it into our hot chocolates and walked around the zoo, which was bursting with color and lights and music. 

I walked around with someone who I knew I had no romantic future with long-term, but we laughed our way through, exchanging little jabs (mostly mine) as we watched bears and red pandas sleeping in the open exhibits. We walked like penguins and made jokes and took wrong turns.

It had been around our fourth date that I realized that while I was ready to settle down and longed for a family, my suitor desired to marry much later in life and wasn’t looking for the suburb life or children anytime soon – if ever. When I suggested a transition to friendship, I expected to never hear from him again. But he surprised me and continued to weave his life into mine from time to time without pushing our newly-established boundaries. 

I’ve come to realize I struggle to let go of some things. More specifically, of people. As a natural connector, I find humans and memories engrained so deeply in me it feels like I am losing a part of me to let them go. It’s for that reason that I still find myself thinking of My Ex from time to time. Mostly because no one has replaced the love I had for him. While it’s channeled into new friendships and family and countless other places, the romantic connection I experienced with him has yet to be replaced with anything lasting. 

 And yet each year presents an opportunity to start anew. To make new goals. To realize more time has passed, separating me from the past. To look at things in a different light. To work to be present with what is in front of me and to let go what has been. Some days are better than others. It’s not a linear walk forward, but a journey with side steps and backtracking and standing still. 

And sometimes, when I’m lucky, moving forward.

That night at the zoo, as we weaved throughout different exhibits, we stopped and took photos of one another. 

I’m wearing the same hat and same warm, red, winter jacket. A testament to my preference that my money be spent on travel and wine and not updating my winter wardrobe, clearly.

And I realize I’m bursting again. 

Not with the possibilities of a new love or the beginning of a life together. 

But with a love for myself, and a feeling of being both content and happy. 

And as my calendar on the wall is replaced with the fresh year, I feel grateful for more new beginnings to unfold. New moments to replace the old. And the new possibilities that await me. 

Me with Pepe the Penguin. Cheers to making new memories.