What If?
Photo by Megan Nixon on Unsplash
I could fill a page with the “What Ifs?” that float through my mind on any given day.
I could tell you how they change when I am in a relationship versus when I am not.
I could admit that it is a constant battle to breathe in and know I am okay regardless of not knowing so many answers to questions I’ve been asking for years. To questions I’ve been asked for years.
As a 37-year-old single woman, I lose track of the times those words drive fear into me without warning. A comment, a question, an image that triggers an insecurity and unleashes the doubt I carry with me.
What if I never find my person?
What if I never experience marriage or a family of my own?
What if I waited all these years and I still get it wrong?
What if I never get to be a mother?
What if I never fully heal from my last relationship?
What if I’m not as good at relationships as I think I am?
What if there’s no fit for me and I only experience longing?
I encounter girls nearly every day who ask all the same questions I have. Sometimes they are my age, sometimes older…and more often than not, they are younger. The pressure, the pain, the worry – it walks with so many for so long.
How do we change that narrative?
I can’t take back the time I gave to failed relationships and questioning what was wrong with me. What I can do is ask new questions. And ask others to consider them as well.
What if it was just as acceptable to be single as it was to be married?
What if it the average age people got married was 35 instead of 27?
What if I didn’t feel pressure or guilt or shame from living a life different than my peers because it was just as normal to be single as it was not to be?
What if when we described what “happy” looked like, it didn’t involve falling in love or finding our soulmate?
“What if when we described what “happy” looked like, it didn’t involve falling in love or finding our soulmate?”
What if people didn’t stay in unhealthy relationships, despite the fear of disappointing family and friends, because they refused to keep disappointing themselves?
What if when marriages ended, they didn’t feel shame for failing but brave for ending something that no longer served them?
What if we asked people where they wanted to travel and what they wanted to experience instead of asking if they had anyone special in their life?
What if when you replied that you weren’t seeing anyone you weren’t met with sympathy? Or better, yet, what if it was just as inappropriate to ask about someone’s dating status as it was to inquire of their weight?
“What if when you replied that you weren’t seeing anyone you weren’t met with sympathy? Or better, yet, what if it was just as inappropriate to ask about someone’s dating status as it was to inquire of their weight? ”
What if we encouraged, and even insisted, that everyone should spend one full year living alone, not dating anyone, as much as we praised them for being in relationships and proposing?
What if we set the expectation that they have nothing but time instead of allowing them to feel like they are falling behind as they measure themselves against their married peers?
What story would we be telling ourselves then?
Would we be less critical of ourselves? Would we learn to be enough? Would we learn self-love before we knew fulfillment from a partner?
What would a world of people steeped in self-love look like compared to what it is today? A world of believing in your value without needing to validate your worth or existence by its connection to another?
Would fewer married people wake up years after their wedding day and wonder why they feel so empty? Would fewer single people lay alone at night and wonder when it would be their turn?
Would we stop swiping on pictures of strangers in hopes of filling a void? Would relationships happen more naturally with less pressure?
And would more last?
These are questions that likely cannot be answered unless a huge culture shift happens across the world. Unless we keep having this conversation, keep building awareness and keep standing up for single people and accepting more versions of what it means to be happy.
Maybe nothing would be different
Or maybe everything would.
“I wonder why we all fear the things that we might not know
I wonder why I can’t find my voice in my dreams
Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God
So maybe I don’t know, maybe I don’t know
Maybe I don’t know, maybe I don’t know
But maybe that’s okay”