Wide Nets
Photo by Raghavendra Saralaya on Unsplash
To be honest, you had really never crossed my mind before your name escaped her lips. But afterwards I started watching you, in the brief moments your path crossed with mine, my eyes more open. Maybe there could be potential I had been unaware of until now.
“Can I buy you a drink?” you said some time later, when we arrived at the same group outing, my friend’s words still in the back of my mind. One drink became two, and then you offered shots. I felt a curiosity toward you and wondered why I hadn’t paid attention before. But as we laughed together, I was paying attention now.
We exchanged stories and flirty smiles and you held my glance, touched my hand, and leaned in closer than necessary, allowing me the faintest hint of your scent.
A friend was leaving with her boyfriend and I broke away and crossed the room to say goodbye. I chatted with them briefly before they headed out and I returned to you still perched at the bar.
It was then that I saw you leaning in to whisper in someone else’s ear. In the short amount of time that had elapsed, I saw that I had lost your attention. Your hand was on her hip, and then I watched as you moved it across the small of her back before it dipped lower. With your hand firmly planted, you toasted a round of shots you had now purchased for her, smiling as your gaze now met hers.
It was then that I realized it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my personality, or my jokes, or that I put extra time into doing my makeup or tried a little more when I got dressed that night. I was just flesh. It was all he was after. A quick connection for an ego boost, drunken hormones, or any other mixture of reasons.
I inhaled deeply, took it as a sign to call it a night, and walked home not in tears, but deep in thought as I processed what had unfolded.
In my earlier years I would have taken it personally. Losing their attention was a defect in me. I would insert any number of words the phrase “I’m just not _______ enough.”
Pretty.
Smart
Popular.
Clever.
Worthy.
On top of being highly critical of ourselves, dating has become even more difficult now because so many approach it by casting a wide net. Gone are the days when two people’s paths merge and they take the time and care to invest in knowing each other more. Just them. The more common approach now is a dozen conversations at once, knowing if grabbing drinks are a bust with one, there’s someone else waiting to take their place.
Be it convenience or boredom, desperation or hope - a number of things fuel our thumbs to move across pictures of strangers and judge them without really seeing them. Our generation struggles to be alone and not operate out of a cue. When one fades or ceases to excite, cancels plans at the last minute, or breaks it off, it’s on to the next, creating a bleak outlook for those still bold enough to hope for something real.
We are no longer counting sexual partners. We're counting and being counted as possibilities and prospects. And more often than not, we're walking away feeling cheated.
Admittedly, I don’t know that I have a solution to breaking the cycle. For me, a step in the right direction was deleting the dating apps and challenging the universe to bring me something real. Which, in full disclosure, has resulted in almost zero dates with anyone local in the past year. But in the decline of dates came an unforeseen increase in my happiness. The peaks and valleys of raised hopes only to be crushed, or connecting over yellow text bubbles only to not align in real life came to a halt.
I stopped regretting putting on pants for my next first date only to realize they were yet another person I had absolutely no interest in taking them off for. And instead, I enjoyed quiet nights on my couch in my full bottom undies that closely resemble the Hanes Her Way multi-pack panties of my youth. If I have to be thirtysomething and single, at least let my butt crack be in peace and comfort.
Wherever you are in your journey, and whoever is walking beside you, stop allowing the careless actions of others to determine your worth. It will still sting at times. The disappointment and longing may evoke more tears in a lifetime than can be counted, but know they tend to lessen with time and self-love. Give yourself permission to put your energy into you. Into growing and learning yourself. And most importantly, learn to love who you are and never allow yourself to fall out of that love. Start small by speaking kindly to yourself every day. Or go big and find a therapist to help learn to process triggers and navigate life with more grace.
We are encouraged and celebrated when we find love, but little confetti is thrown when someone truly learns self-care and self-love. It’s quieter and harder to see, the growth taking time with setbacks and steps forward versus a quick status update in your relationship online profile.
I’ve made a conscious choice that I am enough and willing to wait for a connection with someone I trust and respect. With someone who truly sees me. I want to be bold enough to expect to be a priority instead of an option. And until that day, I'll be enjoying life on my own terms and working on bettering myself in comfort - one solid colored cotton pair of panties at a time.