Words Fail

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

What do you blog about when the world has become still? When you’ve been an object in motion that continued in motion so fast, so busy, bouncing from activity to activity, day to day, when it suddenly all comes to a screeching halt. You stare at your two feet now confined to the same space day after day.

What do you say?

I struggle to process my thoughts in the past few weeks and what to share. Do you blog about relationships or the past or travel when there’s so much chaos right in front of us? Do you continue to try to create a world for others to step into when the reality of the one that you live in has become a place of so many unknowns?

What do you write about?

Do you tell jokes? Keep it light? Do you share about ex-boyfriend’s texting you to let you know they value you? To ask if you’re safe?

Do you write something meaningful? Something inspiring? Do you write about keeping your faith in humanity, about having it restored by the acts of kindness that fill the days that were once occupied by carpooling kids around, after school sports, travel, or cocktails with friends on a Thursday night?

Do you share your complex emotions of feeling comfort, guilt, relief, sadness, and loneliness as you wander your one bedroom, 1000 square-foot apartment alone for more than 23 hours a day?

Do you dare complain when you know so many others have it worse? Do you allow yourself to not be okay anyway?

Do you wonder if others are lying awake at night just like you are, a mixture of numb and unsettled as you try to process a new way of life?

The simple truth is this: nobody knows exactly what to say, or how to act, or how much food or toilet paper they need. (But we do have some idea about how much is too much).

But we do know this – we need grace. Patience. Faith. Help. More FaceTime, Zoom and Google Hangouts than we ever imagined. Perhaps we needed a reset. A command to slow down, and stop and smell the roses we ironically are no longer as free to roam about and smell.

We’re connecting in ways that were always there but we never had time for.

What will our priorities be now?

The past few days the only word to describe how I feel is glumpy. It's a made up word my mind swirled together when combining "gloomy" and "Plumpy" - the worst card you can draw in the game of Candyland. I explained to friends I know overall I have it pretty good. I know many have far greater challenges than I do. But in my personal present moment, I just drew a crap card and have a long way to go to the end of the game.

I've allowed myself to feel glumpy. I've stopped comparing my circumstances to others to validate how I can or cannot feel. I pour wine at night and I breathe in. I do yoga in the morning and exhale.

I'm curious what life will be when we're on the other side. When we can finally look back. Who will be bent, and who will be broken and how will I be able to help.

I don't think I have the words this week. But know you are not alone. I am not alone. And we are not alone. Regardless of the box you check on the RSVP of the upcoming weddings, now postponed, we are all hurting, and refocusing and leaning into a new normal.

Reach out. Send love. Speak up when you’re not okay and let us hear you.

And until then, if you are laughing or crying, productive or feeling a little glumpy, know that it's okay to feel exactly that.

This too shall pass. And until it does, hugs and love to you all.